


Thermoregulation

by radondoran



Category: Phineas and Ferb
Genre: Cliche, Community: disney_kink, Gen, Sharing Body Heat, Snow and Ice
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-10-17
Updated: 2011-10-17
Packaged: 2017-10-24 17:42:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,274
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/266151
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/radondoran/pseuds/radondoran
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Perry and Dr. Doofenshmirtz are stranded in an Arctic snowstorm after a scheme gone wrong, and must stick together in order to survive.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Thermoregulation

**Author's Note:**

> For [a prompt at disney_kink](http://disney-kink.livejournal.com/4400.html?thread=4279600#t4279600) asking for Doofenshmirtz and Perry in the classic blanket scenario.
> 
> Translation into 日本語 available: [【翻訳】Thermoregulation ～君の体温～](http://www.pixiv.net/novel/show.php?id=3349547) by gurugurucutie
> 
> \---

Perry the Platypus carefully rose to his feet and did a quick self-evaluation. As far as he could tell, he wasn't hurt. A little shaken up, perhaps, but he'd had worse, probably within the past week. His fedora, also unharmed, lay a couple feet away. He picked it up, knocked the snow off, and donned it again, then looked out beneath the brim for the other victim of the crash.

Dr. Doofenshmirtz was easy to find, between the tacky colors of his cold-weather gear and the fact that upon standing up he immediately began yelling at Perry. "Great! Now look what you've done. I keep telling you, I can't fight you and operate a vehicle at the same time! But, I'm not operating a vehicle anymore"--pointing a thumb at the smoking wreckage--"obviously--so, _take that!_ "

He lunged at Perry again. Perry easily intercepted the motion and redirected the force to flip him flat on his back. Glaring upside-down at the villain, Perry placed one hand on top of the other in a _T_ sign.

"Time out?" repeated Doofenshmirtz as he sat up. "What gives?"

With a deadpan look, Perry swept out an arm to indicate their surroundings. The mountains of snow and ice extended as far as the eye could see. It seemed doubtful whether there were any other living things around, let alone shelter or civilization. Perry ended the gesture at the downed rocket skiff, on which a few new snowflakes were already starting to settle. They had bigger problems at the moment than carrying out or thwarting an evil scheme.

At last Doofenshmirtz comprehended it. "Oh. We should probably get out of here, huh? Well, okay. I guess I can always destroy you afterwards. Truce?" He extended a hand reluctantly and Perry shook it, not without suspicion. "Come on, help me fix this thing."

But it didn't take long to realize that the skiff was a lost cause. Even if Doofenshmirtz could manage to do something about the damaged propulsion system, it was hard to get around the fact that the body of the vehicle was currently in several pieces, and they didn't even have any duct tape.

In a few minutes Doofenshmirtz climbed out from underneath the engine with a sigh. "Yeah, I don't think it's getting off the ground any time soon." He drew a gloved hand across his face, leaving a grimy streak, and then folded his arms tightly. "Perry the Platypus, aren't you _cold_?"

Perry wasn't particularly, not yet. There are some advantages to thick watertight fur.

"No? Oh, I get it, you're semi-aquatic. You're probably all 'adapted' for 'survival'," said Doofenshmirtz bitterly. "You think you're so smart, with all your f-fancy th-thermoregulation."

Perry shrugged broadly, apologetic--although, really, he couldn't help it. It wasn't as though he was keeping warm out of spite. Still, he glanced at his companion with some concern: he hadn't been accounting for human vulnerability to the elements. They didn't have any time to waste. Perry activated his wrist communicator.

Instead of the reassuring voice of Major Monogram on the other end, though, all that came through was the faint hiss of static. Had the communicator been damaged in the crash? Perry shook it experimentally, but it seemed to be working all right. This was unusual. The O.W.C.A.'s satellite network usually got reception in even the most remote locations, although communications did occasionally have trouble in bad weather. A breeze picked up, and Perry's fur stood on end. The snowflakes were falling more thickly now. He tapped the communicator again, anxiously. Nothing.

Doofenshmirtz had been watching the whole operation with increasingly wide eyes. "So you can't get in touch with your agency?" he confirmed. "Which means we're stranded out here and nobody's coming to get us? Oh, no, we are doomed! Doomed!"

Truce or no truce, the right course of action was obvious. Perry leapt up, seized Doofenshmirtz by the front of his coat, and executed a well-timed slap to the face.

"You're right. You're--you're right, this is no time to panic. I am not panicking," he announced, as if trying to convince himself. "Besides," he added, brightening, "you're here, Perry the Platypus! You always know what to do. I mean, sheesh, what am I worrying about? You've probably got a portable hovercraft or something in that little hat of yours."

Perry shook his head.

Doofenshmirtz's face fell. "No, huh?" The doomed look came back into his eyes, and Perry raised a hand warningly. "I'm not panicking," he repeated.

Perry returned his attention to the crash site. The skiff's payload, yet another large ray gun, had landed at an odd angle, but looked like it might still be functional. Perry pulled away the last corner of the tarp and clambered up the side.

"The Meltinator?" asked Doofenshmirtz incredulously. "You're actually destroying it? Oh, for the love of--I'm not going to destroy the ice caps _now_! In case you haven't noticed, I've kind of got other things on my mind--you know, like not freezing to death?"

Perry ignored him and concentrated on the control panel. If there weren't any vehicles in his hat today, he did at least have a screwdriver. A small reconfiguration of wires--a slight adjustment of the dials--that should do it. Aim, fire; and a significantly more controlled ray than that of the original specifications zapped a tightly packed bank of ice and snow, carving out a deep alcove.

"Oh," said Doofenshmirtz blankly. "I could have thought of that."

Perry rolled his eyes.

A few more strategic blasts of the Meltinator, and they had a respectable ice cave. The next step was to stock it with everything they could salvage from the wreck: it constituted all the resources they had, and if the snow kept up there was no guarantee they'd be able to find any of it the next day. By the time the operation was finished, it was starting to grow dark. Sunsets were unclear at this latitude, and Perry couldn't tell how much was twilight and how much was due to the thickening cloud cover.

The last step was to drag over a metal panel that had broken completely free of the rocket skiff body, and lean it up against the reinforced doorway of the cave to keep out snow and wind. It was a difficult operation, especially since Doofenshmirtz was by this time having trouble gripping anything, but at last the two managed to barricade themselves inside, in a manner of speaking, and collapse at the back of the cave.

Doofenshmirtz's teeth were chattering, and Perry took a bundle from his hat and tossed it at him.

"A blanket?" He unfolded it and wrapped it gratefully around his shoulders. "You know, s-someday I'm going to f-find out who your haberdasher is."

Perry took the remark as a good sign. Doofenshmirtz was cold, but he was still alert, shivering effectively, and his face was slightly flushed rather than pale and frostbitten. Out of the wind, he probably wasn't in any immediate danger. Still, this environment was less than ideal for a long stay. Perry reached for his communicator again.

Still nothing. Doofenshmirtz glared over his shoulder at the tiny screen. "Hello?" he asked, unhelpfully. "Hello, Major Monobrow? Frannie? Pick up! It's me and Perry the Platypus--we're kind of stranded in the middle of the Arctic, and it would be really nice if somebody would come and get us. Come on, pick up! I know he's your star agent, don't you even care enough to come rescue him? And also me? Hello?"

The static made no reply. Doofenshmirtz gave up and tried to wrap himself tighter in the blue fabric.

Perry tapped at the communicator. No wonder there wasn't any reception in here; he was practically underground. Maybe if he could get up higher--he had noticed another small peak not far from the one this cave was carved from. He stood up again and made for the exit. In answer to Doofenshmirtz's inquiries, he held up his wrist to indicate that he was off in search of reception.

"But you're coming back, right?"

He flashed a thumbs-up and departed.

Half an hour later, Perry stood on the desired summit and growled in frustration. The trek had been a waste of time: there was no signal from here either. At this point, though, it would have been surprising to get through even from the highest peak in the region. The weather had been growing gradually worse, and it was abruptly obvious that he was out in the middle of a blizzard. Well, the agency would probably be looking for him anyway by now, and the emergency tracker would give his location whenever the weather cleared--ideally sooner rather than later.

The wind snatched at his hat, and he quickly moved to press it back on. It was past time to go back. He turned around and couldn't see where he had come from. The snow in the air was as thick and inscrutable as the snow on the video screen.

Perry didn't let that bother him. He was one of the O.W.C.A.'s top agents. He had a sense of direction that could make birds jealous; in fact, he actually had scored ahead of Agent G on that metric. All he had to do was go back the way he had come, and he would find the shelter again. All he had to do was make it that far.

It was slow going. He tried to keep on top of the snow, but more than once broke through with a wrong step, sank to his waist, and had to trudge or struggle free. He had to fight the wind with every step; not satisfied with trying for his hat, it was strong enough to knock his entire body off balance if he wasn't careful. It was exhausting; and, what was more troubling, it was _cold_. The temperature had grown low enough and the wind strong enough to more than counter the advantage of any insulation he had--and there was a difference between foraging in forty-degree water and bearing the brunt of an Arctic snowstorm. He was shivering, and his extremities had gone numb, which made it even harder to walk carefully.

One step at a time. It was odd how the sense of space affected the sense of time. With no horizon, no differentiation between ground and sky, it was hard to keep track of how far he had walked. There was nothing to separate one step from the next. He had stopped shivering now, which he knew was a bad sign, and his pace was starting to slow. Probably. How could he even be sure he was going the right way? One small miscalculation, and he could get irrevocably lost not ten feet from the goal. Didn't it seem like he should have arrived already? What if he'd walked right past it?

At long last, without warning, Perry knocked up against something hard and impossibly cold, with a dull metallic thunk. The panel from the skiff. He felt his way to the edge and burrowed under the newly drifted snow to slip through the small opening into the cave again.

The roaring of the wind dropped off at once, as though a switch had been flipped. The comparative silence was momentarily deafening. Perry stumbled and nearly fell forward with the sudden removal of the need to push back against hostile air.

"Oh, you're back," said Doofenshmirtz, looking up with a slightly manic grin. "Hey, hey, check it out. I was able to use some of the parts from the rocket skiff to build a heater-inator."

The object he sat in front of was a jury-rigged conglomeration of wires and battery cells, from which sparks escaped intermittently; but a coil did glow red-hot, filling the space with a little heat and a very little light.

"And the good news is, if something goes wrong and it catches fire, I figure that's a win-win. Of course, there is a slight chance that it might possibly be, you know, just a tiny bit poisonous. But still--not bad, huh?" He looked at Perry to gauge his reaction, and then stood up in surprise. "Look at you, you're freezing! Here, do you want your blanket back?"

Perry shook his head once, firmly. The last thing he needed was to show weakness in front of his nemesis.

"All right, fine, Mr. Tough Guy, suit yourself, see if I..." He trailed off and looked at Perry curiously. "Perry the Platypus, you've got, um"--he gestured vaguely at his own face--"you've literally got an icicle on your bill. I'll be honest, it's really cliché."

Embarrassed, Perry hastily snapped it off. He winced, and it turned into a powerful shudder.

Doofenshmirtz's brows knitted in uncertainty. "Maybe you'd better sit close to the heater-inator, at least," he said. "Which, _you're welcome_ for building it, by the way."

Perry moved closer. He was conscious of heat radiating from the device, bringing sensation creeping painfully back into his limbs, bill and tail. But it didn't seem to be helping; it felt as if the cold had anchored in his very core, and would not be dislodged, not by the violent shivering that was coming in waves now and not if he stared into the heater until his eyes stung.

"Perry? Perry the Platypus, snap out of it!" Perry blinked, and shook his head to clear it. Doofenshmirtz was crouching beside him now--when had that happened?--looking more uncertain than before. "Come on, no fair falling asleep." He removed the blanket from his shoulders and wrapped it snugly around Perry, in a motion that would have been more familiar with a coil of rope. Perry only shivered harder.

"It's not helping, is it."

Perry couldn't find the energy to compose his features to reflect anything but untempered misery, and the eye contact with which he responded must have been pitiful.

"Don't--don't give me that look, Perry the Platypus." Doofenshmirtz stood up again and began pacing, despite the fact that the cave only measured about five paces in any direction, and his head nearly scraped the roof. "You're supposed to be the one who's all heroic and suave and in control, remember?" He was silent for another lap, then spoke as if to himself. "I wish there was something I could do. I should have brought a coffee-inator."

Then he stopped, and did address Perry. "Wait, I just thought of something. As a placental mammal, I'm probably about nine degrees warmer than you are. ...What? Don't look so surprised, I know stuff. I did an Internet search for 'platypus', like, months ago. By the way, I'm really glad you've never tried to sting me, that sounds terrifying."

But unusual as it was for Dr. Doofenshmirtz to be informed on any topic, that wasn't what had been surprising about the statement. He couldn't be suggesting--

"Anyway, you can share my body heat." He had already removed his gloves to facilitate the unbuttoning and unzipping of several layers of jackets. "It's a survival technique I learned from the ocelots."

Perry managed to look doubtful.

Now Doofenshmirtz rolled his eyes. "Perry the Platypus, this is no time to get all uptight. It doesn't have to be weird--we're still nemesises. Nemeses. Nemesides? Whatever. You're the one who called truce in the first place. We have to stick together--and besides, I owe you one. C'mere. You can go back to thwarting me when you're not half-frozen in the middle of nowhere."

He reached out and lifted Perry free of the blanket with his bare hands. "Man, you are cold!" he exclaimed, flinching slightly; but nonetheless went through with the motion and cradled Perry firmly to his chest. Holding him up with one hand, he reached down for the blanket, then sat down and wrapped it around them both so that only Perry's face protruded.

It was distinctly warm beside Doofenshmirtz, underneath the open coats and the soft blanket. Perry nestled in closer to the warmth, wrapped his tail around Doofenshmirtz's waist, buried his hands and feet in the thin black fabric of his shirt. He could hear the man's heartbeat and feel the steady up-and-down of his breath. Gradually the shivering subsided, and as Perry relaxed he became aware of a comforting pressure on his back: Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz, evil scientist and Perry's sworn nemesis, was not just holding him close, but actually _petting_ him.

Perry glanced up in surprise, but Doofenshmirtz didn't seem to find anything unusual in the situation. In all probability he was only half-conscious that he was doing it.

He caught Perry's look. "Better?"

It was better. Perry nodded slightly, not wanting to disturb his position, and ventured a smile.

Doofenshmirtz looked abstractedly into the distance. "You know, it's weird, though. Not in a bad way," he hastened to add. "I just, I don't know, I guess I'm so used to you kicking my butt that I always forget how small and cuddly you are."

Perry growled and nudged him in the ribs.

"Still capable of kicking my butt. Got it."

But a few seconds later he resumed stroking Perry's back. It must have been the natural response to holding a furry animal in his arms; or perhaps the affection was meant for Perry. They sat like that in silence for a long minute or two, and when Doofenshmirtz did speak again, it was to echo Perry's own thoughts:

"This is nice." His arms stopped moving and settled in around Perry in a warm embrace, fingers tucked around his fur like a living muff. "You're very soft, Perry the Platypus, did you know that?" he asked drowsily. "Very soft..." His head drooped, and Perry felt his breathing grow deeper. He wondered if he should nudge him again, keep them both alert until the weather cleared or help came; but this was so comfortable, and it wouldn't hurt to stay here for just a minute longer...

Perry awakened slowly, to an awareness of being entirely warm and secure. At some point Doofenshmirtz had slumped into a reclining position, but he still held Perry fast like a beloved stuffed toy, so close that Perry's bill nearly collided with his own long nose. Sunlight filtered in past the door, and the howling of the wind outside had died down; in fact, Perry probably would have stayed asleep longer if not for the muffled sound of the helicopter landing.

Helicopter. Perry's eyes snapped open. Now the sound of boots on snow, and Doofenshmirtz too awakened just as the door was thrown aside by a team of human commandoes, with Major Francis Monogram himself at their head. So Perry really was that important.

Monogram rushed into the cave, and then stopped short as he took in the scene. Perry and Doofenshmirtz hadn't had time to move, and were still thoroughly entangled beneath the shared blanket. They met one another's eyes for an instant, and then looked together at Monogram. The three of them held the tableau for a long second.

"Ummm," said Monogram.

Doofenshmirtz sprang to his feet, seized the edges of the blanket and closed the four corners around Perry like a net. "Ha- _ha_!" he cried, not entirely unconvincingly. "I've got you now, Perry the Platypus!"

Perry, taking the cue, activated the buzzsaw on his fedora and sliced through the belly of the blanket, then hit the ground running and somersaulted into a flying kick. The truce was over. Everything was back to normal.


End file.
